Between Heaven and Hell
by milkandwood
Summary: Kurt goes to hell and meets the wrestling side of the afterlife. I bet you can't guess who The God is!


Title: Between Heaven and hell

Rating: PG-13

Characters: Assorted, main focus: Kurt Angle

Disclaimer: I do not own the stars and their names were used for entertainment purposes only. This fic nor the site it is reflected on intends any type of copyright infringement.

Distribution: Just ask me first, please.

A/N: This fic is for pure comedic entertainment. If you can't take a joke or get offended easy then please go back and pick another fic more of your liking.

Kurt Angle focused on the bright light that was stinging his face. Once he let his eyes adjust correctly he almost didn't believe them. There were angels flying and a big pearly gate. Kurt stood to his feet and looked around.

"State your purpose." A deep, familiar voice rang through the air.

"I don't know what my purposes is." Kurt said still not believing where he was.

"You mean you are telling The God you do not know why you are here? The God does not believe this."

Kurt wrinkled his eyebrow in confusion. "The God?"

"Yes, Jabronie. Do you have monkey crap in your ears?"

"Rocky?"

"Rocky was a movie. The God is The God. Do not question his faith."

"I'm not." Kurt said trying not to laugh.

"This is the respect you show, The God in his house?"

"I'm sorry, its just a little weird is all."

"Heaven is not supposed to be weird. The God does not think you belong here."

"Wait! I didn't mean anything by it."

"Sure you didn't, Chico. The God will not stand for this!"

Kurt started to walk through the front gate when he felt hands on his shoulders. He turned around to be faced with Brock Lesnar only he was in a white sheet with a halo over his head. Kurt immediately died laughing.

"I see, The God. This one is much disrespectful."

Kurt tried to catch his breath. "Brock, it's me, Kurt."

Brock rolled his eyes. "It doesn't ring a bell."

"The God says he doesn't give a rats ass who you are, Kurt Angle. The God says you're out of here!"

Kurt started to protest but he immediately had a falling sensation in his stomach. He automatically clutched his eyes closed and prepared for what was about to come next. A few minutes later he let out a loud grunt as his back hit the ground. He opened his eyes and looked around. Kurt jumped to his feet when he realized where he was.

"What the hell?" Kurt asked confused.

"Not what the hell. You are in hell." He heard someone say.

"What?" Kurt asked

"What!?"

What?"

"What!"

"God damn it, Austin. Stop that." Hogan said extending a hand to Kurt.

"Terry?" Kurt asked confused.

"On my better days, Angle. Right now they call me Malacoda."

"Why?" Kurt asked looking around

"I carry the lost souls over the burning pits."

"Excuse me?"

"Do you have a banana in your ear or something?"

Kurt started to say no but realized there was now a banana sticking out of his ear. He pulled it out and looked strangely at Hogan who was now laughing hysterically.

"That's humor? Geez you are lame. Why the hell am I in your basement?"

"Turn the door handle behind you. Be careful though it's a little hot."

Kurt just blinked his eyes a couple times and shrugged his shoulders.

"Go on now. I don't have all day, son. If that so called God up there would have given me more notice I could have stuck around and helped you."

"THE GOD ANSWERS TO NO ONE AND HE HEARD THAT!"

Terry just mumbled a couple of obscenities under his breath and disappeared. Kurt looked at the door and touched the end of it.

"Son of a bitch, that's hot!" Kurt cried.

As soon as his words left his mouth the door flung open and he was standing face to face with Hunter. There were flames shooting from all corners of the place and what Kurt could make out to be some sort of demons running around laughing.

"Hunter?" Kurt asked even more confused now.

"Not here, Angle. They call me Lucifer or The Devil. I think Lucifer is nicer but once you get to know me a little better you can pick what you would like to call me."

"Right…So why are we in Hogan's house?"

Hunter made a face of disgust. "Well when The God decided I wasn't cutting the team in the Heaven he banned me."

"What for?" Kurt asked.

"He said I was acting like I had politics in my pocket. A load of bull shit if you ask me."

"So he banned you to Hogan's house?" Kurt asked more confused than he was.

"Well not really but yeah. He made the entrance to the pit in his basement so Hogan would be around all the time and he made him my personal assistant."

"I'm confused again."

"Look at it this way, Angle. If you had to spend the rest of your life in complete and udder horror, where would that place be?"

"Good point. So you are stuck here with him all the time?"

"That's why he carries the poor lost souls over. That way I only have to see him when it's absolutely necessary."

"Nice thinking, Hunt."

"Hell yeah." Hunter said smiling happily.

"Slogan Infringement." Kurt heard Austin yell.

"Go to hell, Steve."

"Uh Lucy we are already in hell." Austin replied walking to the door and drinking a beer.

"Lucy?"

"Hey Angle welcome to the wonderful world of hell."

"Anyway, Kurt you are here. Steve, can take you on the tour. I have to have my ass waxed." Hunter replied disappearing in a cloud of smoke.

"Confused?" Austin asked handing Kurt a beer.

"Yeah." Kurt replied taking the beer. "Usually I don't drink but for some reason I want to drink a whole case of beer and have sex with a million different people."

"That can be arranged." Austin said snapping his fingers.

Kurt starred blankly at the case of Miller Light that appeared by his feet.

"The people can come later. I will send you back to earth or something."

"Steve, who are you?"

"That was a weird ass sounding question. You know my name but don't know who I am?"

"Forget it. Just tell me why I am here."

"The God said you belonged here. We take all we can get. Stupid god has just about everyone up there."

"Even Vince?" Kurt asked.

"Well almost everyone. Come on I will show you around." Steve said.

Kurt walked closely behind Steve as fire shot beside them. Kurt was sweating from the heat and his skin felt like it was on fire.

"Steve, how do you stand it here?" Kurt asked frowning at his surroundings.

Steve shook his head. "Man, you really don't know shit. Look when you sold your soul to old Lucy he gave you powers to sue when you got here."

"I never sold my soul to anyone."

"Nor did I. Please I want to go to Heaven."

Kurt stopped and his jaw hit the ground. Mankind was standing there with Mr. Socko. They both were wearing all white and had a low glow about them.

"Sure, Mick. You sold your soul the night of Bad Blood."

"I counted right down the middle! 1,2,3!

"That you did but you counted for the wrong man."

"But, Steve!"

"Look I can't be wasting my time with your big fat ass. Leave me alone!"

Kurt watched as Mick hung his head and walked off towards a sign that said "Kitchen"

"What was that all about?" 

"Mick has some kind of strange ass love for The God. The God treats him like shit, spits on him, makes fun of him, and he still wants to be around him all the time. It really weird."

Kurt shook his head for what seemed to be the hundredth time that night. "Why am I here?"

"I already told you. Oh look there's Vince."

Kurt looked to where Steve was pointing to see Vince pacing back in forth in a small room. He has a gun in his hand and signs all over that said Hogan Must Die.

"He hasn't realized that Hogan died a long time ago. He just can't let it go."

"I didn't sell my soul to anyone, Steve."

"Kurt, think its not hot in here anymore and that we are on a deserted island."

"What?"

"I don't have time to play, Kurt. Just do it!"

Kurt thought about what Steve had offered but nothing happen. In fact the room seemed to get hotter and the flamer grew larger. Steve froze in his tracks and started speaking very slow.

"One minute, Angle. Stay there." Steve said running away.

"Wait! Steve! Damn it to hell."

"He already did." Kurt heard Mick say.

Kurt turned around and Mick was walking up with a turkey leg in his mouth. Kurt just looked at him and wrinkled his nose in confusion.

"The God already damned you to hell. That's why you are here."

"I'm not supposed to be though!"

"Me neither!" Mr. Socko said.

"Uh how long have you been here, Mick?"

"A couple months but I'm not giving up. The God wants me there. I just know he does."

"What do you know about my soul?"

"3:30?"

"3:30? What on god's green earth are you talking about?"

"God's earth is green!" Mick said bouncing back and forth.

"Great. I see how much help you are going to be. Look if I say I can get you into see The God, will you help me?"

Mick froze. "Really? Wow! Of course I will help. What do you need to know?"

"Where would I look to see if I sold my soul to Hunt…I mean The Devil?"

"3:30?" Mick asked again.

"What is wrong with you? Is there not a brain in that big head of yours?"

"Somewhere, I think."

Kurt grumbled. "Mr. Socko do you know where I could find it?"

"All I know is that if you would have sold your soul then when Steve told you to imagine that place you would have went there. You're really not supposed to be here."

Kurt looked at Mick and then back at Mr. Socko. He started to say something but thought better of it.

"Thanks. I think."

"No problem." Mr. Socko said.

"Wait. Do you have a room I can stay in for a bit? I have a strange feeling things are about to get nasty."

Just as Mick started to answer Kurt, Hunter appeared with a demon sitting on his shoulder. He was wearing all black and his butt was sticking out the flap in the back. The fire in the room reflected off the shine from its fresh waxing and blinded Kurt. The last think Kurt remembers he had that falling sensation wash over his body again. When he opened his eyes he was standing face to face with The God.

"Very good The God's son."

Kurt starred blankly at The God. "Huh?"

"That was a test, son. The God wanted to see how you would handle yourself around The Devil and you did more than well."

"Son?"

"Do you still have monkey crap in your ears or something? You are the son of The God."

"I'm Jesus freaking Christ?"

"More like Joan of Ark but yeah. And watch your mouth. You sound like Austin!"

"Well, this all a little weird. I'm really confused."

The God snapped his fingers and Kurt stood smiling from ear to ear.

"Better?" The God asked.

"Much! Oh yeah before I forget you have to bring Mick and Mr. Socko up here."

"Why would that be?"

"He helped your son."

The God started mumbling and a few moments later Mick was standing next to them. He looked at The God and did bang, bang towards him and ran over next to him.

"Get your big fat piece of Roody Poo ass away from The God."

"Thanks, Kurt."

"Anytime. Mick."

~Wake Up! Wake Up! Wake up!~

Kurt rolled over in his bed and slammed the alarm off. He raised his head from the bed and started laughing when he realized what had just happened was all a dream. He made his way to the kitchen and made a glass of coffee. He grabbed the newspaper and sat down at the table, reading it. Once he finished he made a slow move towards the bathroom and flung his head around when he swore he saw hunter flying outside his window. When he looked at the glass all he saw was a black crow sitting on the power lines staring directly at him.

~The End~


End file.
